Author Archives for Arend van Nerel

In loving memory of Oprah Winfrey…

  1 day ago     856 Views     7 Comments  

Dear readers, It has come to our attention Oprah Winfrey has passed away. She died having an Oprah moment. An Oprah moment is defined by the medical community as an apparent act of intimacy between two or more individuals who have no relationship other than being on television together and who feel like conveying a message of love in the absence of any. Oprah moment givers are often notably dead inside. The passing of Oprah Winfrey seems to support the theory that too much shallowness can kill. Oprah Winfrey will surely be missed by many, most notably by her studio…

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Night Flight: Traveling from 1931 to Malaysia Airlines Flight 370…

  3 days ago     825 Views     4 Comments  

Dear Fabien, You are without a doubt one of my favorite fictional characters, even though we haven’t seen or heard from you since 1931! Back in the day when flying was an adventure, you were coughed up by famous pilot/writer Antoine de Saint-Exupéry in his book Night Flight (Vol de Nuit). We first met you as you were piloting a plane somewhere over or near Argentina, at night, through a storm. It would also be the last time…

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In loving memory of Stephen Hawking…

  1 week ago     763 Views     10 Comments  

Dear readers, It has come to our attention Stephen Hawking has passed away. He died trying to pronounce antidisestablishmentarianism. Stephen Hawking’s speaking device had already gone through some trouble lately, when Stephen Hawking voiced his doubts about the existence of black holes. In a sense Stephen Hawking had recanted his religion. He spent most of his life convincing his followers to believe something no one can see. And at the last minute he changed his mind. According to the science of theology, Stephen Hawking went out in an act of heresy. It’s odd such a ‘fate’ befell the famous scientist.…

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Fishy Fish Fingers

  1 week ago     732 Views     6 Comments  

Dear Captain Birdseye, I have a question and I hope you won’t take it the wrong way, but are you a pedophile? You appeared in numerous commercials such as the one below: I’m not judging, but it seems to me that a captain whose crew consists entirely of preadolescent boys and girls is a bit odd. Are the parents of those kids aware of the fact you have complete control over their children? You take them out to sea, where no one can see you, hear you…

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In loving memory of Meat Loaf…

  2 weeks ago     712 Views     4 Comments  

Dear readers, It has come to our attention Meat Loaf passed away. He died doing that. Meat Loaf once went on record proclaiming he would never do that. In fact, it was an eleven minute long record. The fact that he ended up doing that and that that very thing got him killed is of course ironic. Meat Loaf was arguably one of the most successful entertainers in the history of that. He proved that to be successful in the entertainment industry, one doesn’t have to be skinny, athletic or pretty. Fat greasy bastards can sing a love song too…

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Some marketing advice for the Loch Ness Monster…

  2 weeks ago     2101 Views     3 Comments  

Dear Loch Ness Monster, …or Nessie, as people often call you. You are to Scotland what Bigfoot is to North America, the Cyclops to Greece and Frodo to subassertive nerds. You are a made-up being designed to make places like this interesting: Once you’ve seen one loch, you’ve pretty much seen them all. Lochs are like hobbits that way. A loch is nothing more than a guttural word for lake and a lake is nothing more than a failed lagoon wannabe. In other words: Your habitat is boring. The only thing that could…

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In loving memory of Lance Armstrong.

  3 weeks ago     988 Views     6 Comments  

Dear readers, It has come to our attention Lance Armstrong has passed away. Lance Armstrong got up last night and opened his fridge for a quick drink. Police say he accidentally drank one of his urine samples. He OD’d on the spot. Whether he will be missed remains to be seen, but Lance Armstrong will surely be remembered. Up until a few years before his passing, Lance Armstrong by all accounts was a savior. Not only did he survive cancer, he also won the world’s most famous cycling event seven times. That’s a biblical number! Naturally, Lance Armstrong was an…

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Stork Airlines: Dropping Mother Mary from 30.000 feet…

  3 weeks ago     1253 Views     4 Comments  

Dear White Stork, Bringer of Babies, What do you make of that story about immaculate conception? It sounds a bit weird to me. To me it would be silly to believe in immaculate conception. As a gay guy who’s not a gynecologist I don’t see that many vaginas, but I’m pretty sure a vagina needs some serious maculating before it can think of conceiving. Yet for some reason a lot of people believe god shot his angel dust in a virgin woman. They even believe this kind of rape is the good kind. If I were a woman, I’d pray…

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In loving memory of Sarah Palin…

  4 weeks ago     779 Views     4 Comments  

Dear readers, It has come to our attention Sarah Palin has passed away. Sarah Palin died of a brain aneurysm when confronted with the following Sudoku:     Republicans and Democrats are unanimous in their disbelief. In fact, some Democrats were unaware Sarah Palin had a brain. Other liberally biased people generally assumed Sarah Palin must have been a political parody of some sorts. But as is rarely the case, Republicans knew the truth: Sarah Palin meant everything she said. She was under the impression Africa is a country. She did claim seeing Russia from Alaska is a good starting point for an international political career.…

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The Silence of the Lamps…

  1 month ago     927 Views     8 Comments  

Dear genie in a lamp, I sure hope claustrophobia is not an issue for you. Otherwise you’re pretty much screwed.   I never met you in person, but maybe that’s because I tend to rely on electricity when I’m in need of light. No genie in a light bulb has ever been observed. In fact, the evidence of your existence is anecdotal at best, lamp-, bulb- or bottlewise. However I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. Let’s assume you are real. Let’s assume you can read. Let’s…

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In loving memory of Geert Wilders

  1 month ago     884 Views     8 Comments  

Dear readers, It has come to our attention the infamous Dutch politician Geert Wilders has passed away. Known for being one of our time’s fiercest islamophobes, Geert Wilders got hit on the head when he walked by a high rise apartment building. One of the building’s inhabitants, a Mr. Habib, had accidentally dropped his copy of the Koran over his balcony. It was a hard cover edition. Experts say Geert Wilders died instantly when the Koran hit him. Geert Wilders and the Koran never got along well. He was famous for ridiculing Islam and its people, seemingly oblivious to the…

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A Breezy Hurricane

  1 month ago     1288 Views     8 Comments  

Last night, as I was standing outside enjoying a cool breeze, I overheard the following conversation: KATRINA: I ate nearly two thousand people. Best meal I ever had. IKE: I devoured a mere two hundred. I wasn’t half as bad. KATRINA: Sure you were, but with you people were prepared. IKE: True, and people did run off when into my eye they stared. KATRINA: I caught a break, got on a lucky track. IKE: And it didn’t hurt most your meals were black. KATRINA: How right you are. Earthquake, rogue wave or hurricane… IKE: We don’t care about race, all…

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In loving memory of Tom Cruise

  1 month ago     955 Views     10 Comments  

Dear readers, It has come to our attention beloved actor Tom Cruise has passed away. Tom Cruise was at his home last night when a DC8-like plane crashed on top of it. Although fellow Scientologists claim it was a spacecraft, the FAA has confirmed John Travolta’s private Boeing 707 disappeared from radar in the vicinity of the crash site. Tom Cruise was a brilliant actor. Anyone who disagrees clearly hasn’t seen Magnolia. But perhaps it was his intimate connection with the Church of Scientology for which Tom Cruise will be remembered most. Had it…

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Meg Ryan is a Panda

  1 month ago     1115 Views     10 Comments  

Dear WWF Panda, You are one of the most famous animals on this planet. We all know you and what you stand for. You are the one panda that does what no other animal can: You ask for our money.     You’re not just any panda. You’re a symbol. You speak on behalf of every endangered animal. You ask money from the very species that caused your near extermination. That takes guts. Einstein is famously misquoted for saying mankind will have only four years to live if bees should become extinct.…

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