Tag Archive: Cynism

Old Testes/New Testes

  1 day ago     684 Views     4 Comments  

Good news! About a month ago all humans became equal. For it was a little over four weeks ago the Church of Homosexuology got founded. If you are one of the six billion people that don’t know about this website, Satire Nation, odds are my news comes as a surprise to you. Let me take a paragraph of your time to get you up to speed: The Church of Homosexuology is a new religion based on the Holy Book of F.A.G.G.O.T. (Fabulous Almighty Girl/Guy Or Transsexual). The Holy F.A.G.G.O.T. is a god like any other, except that it doesn’t ask…

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6 Things More Powerful than god that You Owe Your Life To.

  2 days ago     566 Views     4 Comments  

  By Basil the Roswell Alien, our intergalactic contributor.         In the beginning god created heaven and Earth. And then apparently he got tired, for he tugged in shortly after that. Granted, creating heaven and Earth in a single day is impressive, even though they kinda come as a package. I mean, if you buy a hamburger it’s gonna have two sides one way or the other. Likewise, if you decorate the cosmos by hanging up the Earth, heaven is part of the deal no matter what. Anyway, I was inside the other day doing my usual…

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In loving memory of Oprah Winfrey…

  3 days ago     881 Views     7 Comments  

Dear readers, It has come to our attention Oprah Winfrey has passed away. She died having an Oprah moment. An Oprah moment is defined by the medical community as an apparent act of intimacy between two or more individuals who have no relationship other than being on television together and who feel like conveying a message of love in the absence of any. Oprah moment givers are often notably dead inside. The passing of Oprah Winfrey seems to support the theory that too much shallowness can kill. Oprah Winfrey will surely be missed by many, most notably by her studio…

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The Dating Game (II)

  4 days ago     631 Views     3 Comments  

  Yet another diary entry from Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea...           Dear diary, There’s a girl in my government that I really like, but I’m afraid to ask her out. And she is married, which is why I sent her husband to prison camp. She says she loves me. In fact, she tells everyone how much she loves me. But she says the same about my dead dad and my dead granddad. She even believes my granddad is a god of some kind. I’m confused, that’s what. Of course I’m quite the…

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Mushi Mushi, Steve Jobs was a Douchi…

  6 days ago     552 Views     2 Comments  

  By Lester Beaver, our beaver contributor.           - Okay, I get it. Nothing is more supercool than sipping a latte at Starbucks while writing emails on your Mac. Or playing Angry Birds. It’s mostly playing Angry Birds, isn’t it? No email is so important it can’t wait until after you finished your latte. Why? Because you are not important enough. But of course the world for some reason must think you matter, which is why people go out of their way to appear savvy by constantly saying how much better their equipment is compared to…

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LECTURES ON LUBE (PART II)

  1 week ago     900 Views     5 Comments  

So what’s the deal with religion and lust anyway? The animal kingdom is pretty straightforward when it comes to sex. You either do it or you die. The same thing applies to humans, but for some reason procreation is often considered the only valid reason to engage in sex. Such a shame. That’s why our holy F.A.G.G.O.T. (Fabulous Almighty Girl/Guy Or Transsexual) decided to dictate a few guidelines to Moses. These guidelines constitute the third book of The Holy Book of F.A.G.G.O.T., entitled LECTURES ON LUBE. Last week we already saw a considerable chunk of this part of the holy…

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I’m loathin’ it…

  1 week ago     592 Views     4 Comments  

  By Basil the Roswell Alien, our intergalactic contributor...         Meet David Whipple. David Whipple bought himself a McDonald’s hamburger back in 1999 and for reasons that somehow do not involve sick sexual fetishes held on to it till this day. Today, fifteen years after its purchase, the hamburger looks as it did back in 1999. What the fuck? Anyone familiar with zombies can tell you dead meat rots away fairly quickly. Regardless of one’s beliefs, meat don’t beat without a soul of…

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In loving memory of Stephen Hawking…

  1 week ago     774 Views     10 Comments  

Dear readers, It has come to our attention Stephen Hawking has passed away. He died trying to pronounce antidisestablishmentarianism. Stephen Hawking’s speaking device had already gone through some trouble lately, when Stephen Hawking voiced his doubts about the existence of black holes. In a sense Stephen Hawking had recanted his religion. He spent most of his life convincing his followers to believe something no one can see. And at the last minute he changed his mind. According to the science of theology, Stephen Hawking went out in an act of heresy. It’s odd such a ‘fate’ befell the famous scientist.…

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The Walking Dennis

  1 week ago     1248 Views     3 Comments  

  Another diary entry from Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea...           Dear diary, Last night I dreamt North Korea was engulfed in a zombie apocalypse. People had started eating other people for some reason. I don’t know why. I would never eat another person. But anyway, most of my generals, advisors and even scientists had turned into zombies. Dennis Rodman and I were pretty much the only ones left to defend North Korea, or whatever was left of it. So in my dream Dennis Rodman and I were like superheroes, like Cagney &…

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Fishy Fish Fingers

  1 week ago     742 Views     6 Comments  

Dear Captain Birdseye, I have a question and I hope you won’t take it the wrong way, but are you a pedophile? You appeared in numerous commercials such as the one below: I’m not judging, but it seems to me that a captain whose crew consists entirely of preadolescent boys and girls is a bit odd. Are the parents of those kids aware of the fact you have complete control over their children? You take them out to sea, where no one can see you, hear you…

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Error Reports: Mankind’s Time Capsule…

  1 week ago     845 Views     9 Comments  

  By Lester Beaver, our beaver contributor.         - So whatever happens to those reports you can send after a piece of software crashes on you? Who the hell reads those things? Am I supposed to believe software developers sit down with management in a weekly meeting to discuss automatically generated error reports, added with angry customer comments? I’d like to think that’s a world you people live in, a world where people care about how…

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LECTURES ON LUBE (PART I)

  2 weeks ago     624 Views     2 Comments  

Last week our Lord, the holy F.A.G.G.O.T. gave us a sneak preview of the book of EXOTUS. EXOTUS is the second book of The Holy Book of F.A.G.G.O.T. and deals with Moses leading his fellow Asians out of Egypt to their promised land of Israel. This week we'll give you a preview of the third book of The Holy Book of F.A.G.G.O.T., entitled LECTURES ON LUBE. The story picks up right after EXOTUS. Moses and his fellow Asians have just arrived in Israel. Some stuff happens, and then the F.A.G.G.O.T. decides it's time to teach Moses a thing or two…

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Alien Abduction: Setting the record straight.

  2 weeks ago     838 Views     8 Comments  

  By Basil the Roswell Alien, our alien contributor.         Earth. What a wonderful planet it is. Really, it’s the best piece of real estate this corner of the galaxy. Naturally, Earth is so wonderfully awesome every alien race has nothing better to do than to come here, abduct people and stuff things up their asses to see if they fit. I mean, that’s basically at the heart of every abduction story, isn’t it? Weird looking aliens travel hundreds of light years, beam up random human beings, stuff things up their asses, drop them back off, fly…

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In loving memory of Meat Loaf…

  2 weeks ago     756 Views     4 Comments  

Dear readers, It has come to our attention Meat Loaf passed away. He died doing that. Meat Loaf once went on record proclaiming he would never do that. In fact, it was an eleven minute long record. The fact that he ended up doing that and that that very thing got him killed is of course ironic. Meat Loaf was arguably one of the most successful entertainers in the history of that. He proved that to be successful in the entertainment industry, one doesn’t have to be skinny, athletic or pretty. Fat greasy bastards can sing a love song too…

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Oh Dennis, where art thou?

  2 weeks ago     1621 Views     4 Comments  

Dear diary, I thought Dennis Rodman was my super best friend, but he doesn’t answer my phone calls anymore. I sent him emails, but he doesn’t reply. I sent him messages on Whatsapp. I can see Dennis is still on Whatsapp and reads my messages, but he doesn’t send anything back. And for some reason I can’t access his Facebook account anymore. He unfriended me. No one has ever unfriended me before. No one. Yesterday I was online and read this article, in which Dennis Rodman says he will never return to North Korea. That really hurt, because I thought…

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Some marketing advice for the Loch Ness Monster…

  2 weeks ago     2206 Views     3 Comments  

Dear Loch Ness Monster, …or Nessie, as people often call you. You are to Scotland what Bigfoot is to North America, the Cyclops to Greece and Frodo to subassertive nerds. You are a made-up being designed to make places like this interesting: Once you’ve seen one loch, you’ve pretty much seen them all. Lochs are like hobbits that way. A loch is nothing more than a guttural word for lake and a lake is nothing more than a failed lagoon wannabe. In other words: Your habitat is boring. The only thing that could…

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Extreme Home Makeover: Selling compassion by celebrating stuff…

  2 weeks ago     1253 Views     6 Comments  

      By Lester Beaver, our beaver contributor.     - As I pointed out before things tend to be quite simple in the animal kingdom. We don’t have luxury, wealth or basic cable. We just try till we die. Some humans don’t have to try, for some humans go on a show called Extreme Home Makeover. Extreme Home Makeover is a show that teaches humanity the value of altruism, giving, sharing and the idea that all of one’s troubles can be solved by stuff; high-tech, cool, nigh unaffordable stuff, brought to you by the people that make, sell and advertise…

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The 30 Commandments

  3 weeks ago     824 Views     7 Comments  

In the second book of The Holy Book of F.A.G.G.O.T. (Fabulous Almighty Girl/Guy Or Transsexual) Moses is one of the many Asians residing in Egypt. At the time Egypt was ruled by a pharaoh who couldn't be bothered by human rights. So it was the F.A.G.G.O.T. asked Moses to lead the Asians to their promised land of Israel. But before Moses and his fellow Asians set out on their quest, the holy F.A.G.G.O.T. figured humans needed a lesson in human rights. That's why the F.A.G.G.O.T. passed on 30 commandments to Moses. The 30 commandments is without a doubt the most boring part of the…

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Movember Madness

  3 weeks ago     5158 Views     6 Comments  

Written by Basil the Roswell Alien, our intergalactic contributor         So every November some guys grow their mustache. It’s called Movember and is supposed to raise cancer awareness. First of all: A mustache is nothing but pubic hair that grows in your face. There was a time, generally referred to as the Sixties, when growing pubic hair was somewhat fashionable. After that you humans apparently figured there’s nothing wrong with distinguishing yourselves from apes, meaning most men these days keep their amount of public pubic hair to a minimum. If you grow a mustache you basically treat your mouth…

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In loving memory of Lance Armstrong.

  3 weeks ago     998 Views     6 Comments  

Dear readers, It has come to our attention Lance Armstrong has passed away. Lance Armstrong got up last night and opened his fridge for a quick drink. Police say he accidentally drank one of his urine samples. He OD’d on the spot. Whether he will be missed remains to be seen, but Lance Armstrong will surely be remembered. Up until a few years before his passing, Lance Armstrong by all accounts was a savior. Not only did he survive cancer, he also won the world’s most famous cycling event seven times. That’s a biblical number! Naturally, Lance Armstrong was an…

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Demockracy

  3 weeks ago     791 Views     6 Comments  

Dear diary, The last time my dad hit me was only a few days before he died. I cried very hard. He said I was a big fat loser and that North Korea would be lost if I were to become its Supreme Leader. But then he died. At first I was sad, because my dead dad always knew what to do and I was afraid people might not love me as much as they loved him. So my first decision as Supreme Leader was to make a law requiring every North Korean to love me. Then my advisors told…

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Stork Airlines: Dropping Mother Mary from 30.000 feet…

  3 weeks ago     1357 Views     4 Comments  

Dear White Stork, Bringer of Babies, What do you make of that story about immaculate conception? It sounds a bit weird to me. To me it would be silly to believe in immaculate conception. As a gay guy who’s not a gynecologist I don’t see that many vaginas, but I’m pretty sure a vagina needs some serious maculating before it can think of conceiving. Yet for some reason a lot of people believe god shot his angel dust in a virgin woman. They even believe this kind of rape is the good kind. If I were a woman, I’d pray…

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