Tag Archive: Humor

In loving memory of Bill Clinton…

  5 hours ago     260 Views     3 Comments  

Dear readers, It has come to our attention Bill Clinton has passed away. He died of what doctors have come to call U.C.R.I., or Unspecified Cigar Related Injury. U.C.R.I. on average kills about 15-20 people each year, mostly in the hardcore bondage scene. Bill Clinton became president of the United States in 1992, a time when Madonna still sold cassettes. He left office in 2000, by which time the internet had started gobbling up the music industry. The 1990’s were a time of major changes. As president, Bill Clinton was the most powerful man in a world that was changing…

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DATES OF FUTURE PAST

  1 day ago     654 Views     5 Comments  

  Another diary entry by Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea         Dear diary, So last week one of my generals asked one of my cabinet members out on a date on my behalf. She said ‘yes’. I was glad, because I had sent her husband to prison camp for this very occasion. I took my future wife home with me on our first date, where we played videogames. I also made her sing a karaoke version of ‘Did you ever know that you’re my hero?’ and that’s when it struck me: My current wife…

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Opening Oprah’s Box…

  2 days ago     712 Views     5 Comments  

Dear Pandora, According to Greek mythology you were the first woman ever to inhabit the Earth and like Eve (of Adam and Eve fame) you fucked up royally. At least, that’s my one sentence summary of the Wikipedia article on you and your box. I guess if I were a real writer I would book a flight to some Greek city that was relevant Before Christ, visit a museum, read a few books and then form an opinion of you. Sadly, my budget is a nightmare, even by Greek standards. I have enough trouble paying for my internet connection, so…

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KEPLER 186F – A SPACE AQUARIUM

  3 days ago     763 Views     4 Comments  

   By Lester Beaver, our beaver contributor         - Congratulations! You humans finally found a planet possibly somewhat resembling Earth, a mere 490 light years away. From a beaver’s perspective, finding an Earth-like planet is a proud accomplishment. The planet, named ‘Kepler 186f’, orbits a star even more insignificant than our own sun. And yet you spotted it. Well, I say ‘you’, but my guess is none of the three people reading this were actively involved in the planet hunt. It’s funny how people often say stuff like We found proof for…

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Old Testes/New Testes

  5 days ago     702 Views     4 Comments  

Good news! About a month ago all humans became equal. For it was a little over four weeks ago the Church of Homosexuology got founded. If you are one of the six billion people that don’t know about this website, Satire Nation, odds are my news comes as a surprise to you. Let me take a paragraph of your time to get you up to speed: The Church of Homosexuology is a new religion based on the Holy Book of F.A.G.G.O.T. (Fabulous Almighty Girl/Guy Or Transsexual). The Holy F.A.G.G.O.T. is a god like any other, except that it doesn’t ask…

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6 Things More Powerful than god that You Owe Your Life To.

  6 days ago     605 Views     4 Comments  

  By Basil the Roswell Alien, our intergalactic contributor.         In the beginning god created heaven and Earth. And then apparently he got tired, for he tugged in shortly after that. Granted, creating heaven and Earth in a single day is impressive, even though they kinda come as a package. I mean, if you buy a hamburger it’s gonna have two sides one way or the other. Likewise, if you decorate the cosmos by hanging up the Earth, heaven is part of the deal no matter what. Anyway, I was inside the other day doing my usual…

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In loving memory of Oprah Winfrey…

  1 week ago     920 Views     7 Comments  

Dear readers, It has come to our attention Oprah Winfrey has passed away. She died having an Oprah moment. An Oprah moment is defined by the medical community as an apparent act of intimacy between two or more individuals who have no relationship other than being on television together and who feel like conveying a message of love in the absence of any. Oprah moment givers are often notably dead inside. The passing of Oprah Winfrey seems to support the theory that too much shallowness can kill. Oprah Winfrey will surely be missed by many, most notably by her studio…

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The Dating Game (II)

  1 week ago     680 Views     3 Comments  

  Yet another diary entry from Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea...           Dear diary, There’s a girl in my government that I really like, but I’m afraid to ask her out. And she is married, which is why I sent her husband to prison camp. She says she loves me. In fact, she tells everyone how much she loves me. But she says the same about my dead dad and my dead granddad. She even believes my granddad is a god of some kind. I’m confused, that’s what. Of course I’m quite the…

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Night Flight: Traveling from 1931 to Malaysia Airlines Flight 370…

  1 week ago     1219 Views     4 Comments  

Dear Fabien, You are without a doubt one of my favorite fictional characters, even though we haven’t seen or heard from you since 1931! Back in the day when flying was an adventure, you were coughed up by famous pilot/writer Antoine de Saint-Exupéry in his book Night Flight (Vol de Nuit). We first met you as you were piloting a plane somewhere over or near Argentina, at night, through a storm. It would also be the last time…

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Mushi Mushi, Steve Jobs was a Douchi…

  1 week ago     567 Views     2 Comments  

  By Lester Beaver, our beaver contributor.           - Okay, I get it. Nothing is more supercool than sipping a latte at Starbucks while writing emails on your Mac. Or playing Angry Birds. It’s mostly playing Angry Birds, isn’t it? No email is so important it can’t wait until after you finished your latte. Why? Because you are not important enough. But of course the world for some reason must think you matter, which is why people go out of their way to appear savvy by constantly saying how much better their equipment is compared to…

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LECTURES ON LUBE (PART II)

  1 week ago     1034 Views     5 Comments  

So what’s the deal with religion and lust anyway? The animal kingdom is pretty straightforward when it comes to sex. You either do it or you die. The same thing applies to humans, but for some reason procreation is often considered the only valid reason to engage in sex. Such a shame. That’s why our holy F.A.G.G.O.T. (Fabulous Almighty Girl/Guy Or Transsexual) decided to dictate a few guidelines to Moses. These guidelines constitute the third book of The Holy Book of F.A.G.G.O.T., entitled LECTURES ON LUBE. Last week we already saw a considerable chunk of this part of the holy…

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I’m loathin’ it…

  1 week ago     604 Views     4 Comments  

  By Basil the Roswell Alien, our intergalactic contributor...         Meet David Whipple. David Whipple bought himself a McDonald’s hamburger back in 1999 and for reasons that somehow do not involve sick sexual fetishes held on to it till this day. Today, fifteen years after its purchase, the hamburger looks as it did back in 1999. What the fuck? Anyone familiar with zombies can tell you dead meat rots away fairly quickly. Regardless of one’s beliefs, meat don’t beat without a soul of…

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In loving memory of Stephen Hawking…

  2 weeks ago     799 Views     10 Comments  

Dear readers, It has come to our attention Stephen Hawking has passed away. He died trying to pronounce antidisestablishmentarianism. Stephen Hawking’s speaking device had already gone through some trouble lately, when Stephen Hawking voiced his doubts about the existence of black holes. In a sense Stephen Hawking had recanted his religion. He spent most of his life convincing his followers to believe something no one can see. And at the last minute he changed his mind. According to the science of theology, Stephen Hawking went out in an act of heresy. It’s odd such a ‘fate’ befell the famous scientist.…

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The Walking Dennis

  2 weeks ago     1435 Views     3 Comments  

  Another diary entry from Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea...           Dear diary, Last night I dreamt North Korea was engulfed in a zombie apocalypse. People had started eating other people for some reason. I don’t know why. I would never eat another person. But anyway, most of my generals, advisors and even scientists had turned into zombies. Dennis Rodman and I were pretty much the only ones left to defend North Korea, or whatever was left of it. So in my dream Dennis Rodman and I were like superheroes, like Cagney &…

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Fishy Fish Fingers

  2 weeks ago     808 Views     6 Comments  

Dear Captain Birdseye, I have a question and I hope you won’t take it the wrong way, but are you a pedophile? You appeared in numerous commercials such as the one below: I’m not judging, but it seems to me that a captain whose crew consists entirely of preadolescent boys and girls is a bit odd. Are the parents of those kids aware of the fact you have complete control over their children? You take them out to sea, where no one can see you, hear you…

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Error Reports: Mankind’s Time Capsule…

  2 weeks ago     932 Views     9 Comments  

  By Lester Beaver, our beaver contributor.         - So whatever happens to those reports you can send after a piece of software crashes on you? Who the hell reads those things? Am I supposed to believe software developers sit down with management in a weekly meeting to discuss automatically generated error reports, added with angry customer comments? I’d like to think that’s a world you people live in, a world where people care about how…

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LECTURES ON LUBE (PART I)

  2 weeks ago     674 Views     2 Comments  

Last week our Lord, the holy F.A.G.G.O.T. gave us a sneak preview of the book of EXOTUS. EXOTUS is the second book of The Holy Book of F.A.G.G.O.T. and deals with Moses leading his fellow Asians out of Egypt to their promised land of Israel. This week we'll give you a preview of the third book of The Holy Book of F.A.G.G.O.T., entitled LECTURES ON LUBE. The story picks up right after EXOTUS. Moses and his fellow Asians have just arrived in Israel. Some stuff happens, and then the F.A.G.G.O.T. decides it's time to teach Moses a thing or two…

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Alien Abduction: Setting the record straight.

  2 weeks ago     994 Views     8 Comments  

  By Basil the Roswell Alien, our alien contributor.         Earth. What a wonderful planet it is. Really, it’s the best piece of real estate this corner of the galaxy. Naturally, Earth is so wonderfully awesome every alien race has nothing better to do than to come here, abduct people and stuff things up their asses to see if they fit. I mean, that’s basically at the heart of every abduction story, isn’t it? Weird looking aliens travel hundreds of light years, beam up random human beings, stuff things up their asses, drop them back off, fly…

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In loving memory of Meat Loaf…

  3 weeks ago     886 Views     4 Comments  

Dear readers, It has come to our attention Meat Loaf passed away. He died doing that. Meat Loaf once went on record proclaiming he would never do that. In fact, it was an eleven minute long record. The fact that he ended up doing that and that that very thing got him killed is of course ironic. Meat Loaf was arguably one of the most successful entertainers in the history of that. He proved that to be successful in the entertainment industry, one doesn’t have to be skinny, athletic or pretty. Fat greasy bastards can sing a love song too…

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